


Broken

by analester



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Sexual Identity, ace phil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-03
Updated: 2016-08-03
Packaged: 2018-07-29 00:15:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7662694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/analester/pseuds/analester
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>phil's asexual and can't help but feel like he's broken</p>
            </blockquote>





	Broken

“…And I don’t know, I just want someone to be with. Feel what I’m feeling, you know?” Dan’s voice echos in Phil’s head, but he can’t hear anything else. Of course that’s what Dan wants. That’s what any other normal person would want. But Phil wasn’t normal.

He never felt normal. He always knew there was something wrong with him, it’s just that he couldn’t pinpoint exactly what. He’d usually just pile school work and drown in it just so he wouldn’t have to deal with the inner thoughts that would creep up on him when he least expects it. But now he wasn’t doing any school work, because he was talking to Dan Howell, the guy that somehow found a way to capture his attention and become his best friend within the course of 3 months. Phil would call it luck finding Dan. He’s never met someone as charismatic, as funny, as fucking beautiful as Dan, but now Dan was looking for someone, a companion or a partner, and Phil doesn’t know if he was fit for the part.

Phil found only a little before he met Dan that he didn’t experience sexual attraction. Even more so, he found romantic activities tiring. Why should he use energy on another person, when he can’t even be bothered to use the energy to take care of himself? He wanted more than anything to feel what Dan was feeling, but he couldn’t. It wasn’t a secret that Phil was attracted to Dan, and he would be lying if he said that he didn’t like Dan more than platonically, but he didn’t think that he would meet the expectations that Dan had in mind. Dan wanted someone to say “I love you” back to him, not someone who would just smile awkwardly and nod because Phil didn’t know how to say “I love you, too” back. It didn’t feel right. Dan wanted someone to kiss him, to return some sort of affection back to him, but Phil didn’t even think he was capable of doing it.

He was at a loss of words when he hears Dan’s voice calling his attention back to their skype call.

“Phil? Are you okay? You don’t look okay. Talk to me,” Dan speaks softly, and it just makes Phil want to cry even more. Dan doesn’t deserve him. He’s broken.

“I’m fine,” Phil’s tone was faint and he swallows thickly, hoping to god that Dan didn’t care enough to find out just exactly what was wrong with him.

 

“No, you’re not. Phil, please talk to me. I want to help you,” Dan half-begs, half holding back because he didn’t want to upset Phil.

“I’m okay, Dan, really,” Phil picks up his laptop and brings it to the bed, burying himself in his duvet. He was slowly losing self control, the tears and sadness bubbling inside of him.

“Phil, talk to me. I’m not leaving you, not like this,” Dan whispers and comes closer to the camera, hugging the screen. Phil smiles at that. “Take your time. I’m not leaving you.”

“I’m so pathetic,” Phil replies weakly. It’s so stupid. He shouldn’t be upset over this.

“You are anything but pathetic. Baby, you’re okay,” Dan smiles comfortingly and watches Phil closely, his smile faltering slightly as Phil buries himself even more.

“I can’t explain it,” Phil sighs, the tears slipping, but luckily it wasn’t visible to Dan. He’s let his walls down in front of Dan before, but crying over this? That’s just pitiful.

“What was I saying when you got sad?” Dan offers.

“You… Um… God, this is so stupid,” Phil’s voice breaks and Dan swears he can feel his heart break too. He hated it when Phil cried on camera. They’re so far away and he couldn’t do anything about it. Dan nods encouragingly and smiles.

“No, go on, you’re doing fine, baby,” Dan whispers again.

“You said… Um… ‘You wanted someone that returned your feelings to you,’ and I can’t do that for you,” Phil chokes out, hiding his face completely in his duvet.

“Oh my god, Phil, no I didn’t mean it like that! Listen, I know you, and it’s okay that you don’t return what I’m feeling. I… I love you for who you are, and I don’t want you to change. I want you, and I want to go at your pace, and I don’t care if you don’t return my feelings for you in, I don’t fucking know, 6 years. I love you,” Dan runs out of breath at his confession, and Phil cries even more.

“You want something more, I’m not enough for you,” Phil sighs feebly and wipes his eyes.

“You are more than enough for me, okay, Phil? I love you for you,” Dan tries again, trying to make Phil smile.

“Okay,” Phil replies back, still feeling a little bad. There was still a little voice in his head, telling him that Dan would want someone more in the future. That he wasn’t enough for Dan. He felt like he wasn’t enough for anyone. How could he when he couldn’t even reciprocate something like having a crush on someone else.

“Don’t feel sad. I’m here, and I always will be,” Dan says comfortingly, and all doubts were gone. “When we meet, I’ll give you chocolates and hugs if you consent to it. I want to be there for you, and you are enough for me.”

Phil’s cheeks heat up and he feels the corners of his mouth turning up. No one has ever said that to him, and the fact that Dan was willing to do all of these things for him, well, Phil couldn’t really ask for more. He didn’t deserve Dan, but he was so fucking lucky that Dan chose him and stuck with him. His thoughts were interrupted again by Dan’s voice and he couldn’t help but grin even wider when he hears what Dan said.

“Now, do you want to watch High School Musical?”


End file.
